So Lauren is sitting next to me. We're in public... at a flute recital. She's happy. I mean really grinning. And I look over and say:
"I don't really feel like being here right now."
I felt bummed, and she felt giddy, which is worse than just a person feeling bummed.
She says, "you say that a lot when we're out and I feel happy."
I wonder if I just want to withdraw from the world, even from Lauren, and not walk around a laugh. I think of my introversion, and am a little worried about it. I wonder why exactly I feel this way when she's smiling and we're in public. The public has something to do with it, but so does her giddyness, and my lack of it.
I looked it up on wikipedia. It's called avoidant personality disorder, which is a social anxiety. I think I may have this. Either that or hypochondria.
But it's not hypochondria, because I've pulled away from people ever since I hit puberty. I am actually overwhelmed by anxiety when friends call to "hang out." I am scared that I actually have this. And I'm scared that it will make me even more alone.
Before puberty, a related condition is called love-shyness, which I also experienced upon the edge of a very cold, and lonely seat.
"I don't really feel like being here right now."
I felt bummed, and she felt giddy, which is worse than just a person feeling bummed.
She says, "you say that a lot when we're out and I feel happy."
I wonder if I just want to withdraw from the world, even from Lauren, and not walk around a laugh. I think of my introversion, and am a little worried about it. I wonder why exactly I feel this way when she's smiling and we're in public. The public has something to do with it, but so does her giddyness, and my lack of it.
I looked it up on wikipedia. It's called avoidant personality disorder, which is a social anxiety. I think I may have this. Either that or hypochondria.
But it's not hypochondria, because I've pulled away from people ever since I hit puberty. I am actually overwhelmed by anxiety when friends call to "hang out." I am scared that I actually have this. And I'm scared that it will make me even more alone.
Before puberty, a related condition is called love-shyness, which I also experienced upon the edge of a very cold, and lonely seat.
4 comments:
sometimes i wish i didn't have so many 'artsy' friends or musician friends, just so that i could do "regular" stuff. like call a girl and watch a movie or something. listen to some music. that's all. the simplist things.
i don't know what that has to do with anything.
i'm glad you're so honest.
i think randy newman wrote a song about you.
or maybe alanis morrisette. or.. morrissey...
ah. the smiths:
"i am the son and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar.
...so shut your mouth. how can you say
i go about things the wrong way?
i am human and i need to be loved,
just like everybody else does..."
-how soon is now
Have you ever considered that the music you listen to and potentially the people you surround yourself with COULD contribute to your feelings?
I have considered this. However, being able to face life and things, aka reality, are important. And it's important to learn how to rise above circumstances by working on your heart. I am slowly learning to do this. Thank you, anonymous.
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